Open Letter to Guy Kawasaki
Please be my Guy.
Dear Guy,
I'm sorry to say we haven't met in
person. I'm Steve Nojobs--you may have heard of me--I'm revolutionizing
the world with my new invention, the iPoor.
I'll jump right to the point: Guy, I need you. I need your
golden touch.
I'm the founder and CEO of iPoor Ltd.,
based out of the technological paradise of Beaverton, Oregon (Home of
the World's Second Largest Paperclip). Our flagship product, the iPoor,
is a mobile phone of unprecedented sophistication.
Here are some of iPoor's insanely great features:
1. Multi-Touch Technology
and tactile feedback (you can choose to press multiple buttons at the
same time),
2.
iPoor goes down to the basics with only 4 calling
options, allowing you to memorize phones numbers and thus increasing your IQ.
3.
Incredibly
amazing mapping
capabilities (real maps in the package),
4. Improves
your dating life, with the Am I Hot Widget (tm), a mirror
located in front of the phone.
Here's
what the press have said about our
product:
"Incredibly
pathetic
attempt."
- Steve Jobs, Apple CEO.
"I guess it has a better battery life..."
- Michael Arringtones,
Techcrutch
"Worst phone ever."
- Ivan Seidenberg, Verizon
CEO,
"Get a real job."
- Steve's mother.
I
had our official industry expert, Dr. P. André Grahnd
project our impact in the world of communications over the next year,
using the info gathered from our exhaustive market research, and test
group scenarios.
As you can see from
Graph B(i), the red line shows that the iPoor will virtually sell
itself. But if I can bring your attention to the blue line for a
moment--this is where you, Guy Kawasaki, come in and bury the slap
shot. With you as the official iPoor Evangelist, we will sink Apple and put an iPoor in
the hand of every man, woman, child at every corner of the globe.
As the iPoor Evangelist, you will travel
to major cities across America, praising the joys of the iPoor. I have
a Winnebago that you can drive around in--Eventually, we may even fly you to other
countries, like Toronto.
The
Official iPoor Ltd. Winnebago
I hope you're as excited as I
am. Be my Guy and help me send this product
through the five-hole. If you want, come up and visit me in
Beaverton--I'll pitch in for half the busfare--and we can talk it out
over weiners at a Beaverton Beavers game (our IHL team--go Beavs go!)
Sic semper tyrannis,
Steve Nojobs